What's on my mind?

There are times when I feel I should be more consistent with the things I do and then I open my blog, see how consistently inconsistent I am! Does that count?

I can come up with hundreds of such senseless lines so let me get back to the blog. I was thinking, maybe it's time for you to get into the head of an overthinker…

So, here it is…

17-05-2021 9:40 PM to 10:15 PM

I have been waking up, hating the fact that I have to wake up again and wait for another 14 hours to go back to bed. Is it just this week or have I spent some years doing it? Every work meeting I attend makes me think if I am doing it right! I work with some of the best people, not getting a call brings FOMO but then, I don’t know… then in between, I start imagining how good it would have been if I could run away to the mountains but how could I manage with my wheelchair?

All this aside, I want to do something creative… but is that possible with my line of work? But what if I quit working? Can I survive? I’ve been used to financial independence… so how can I do it? What if my company becomes as big as Amazon? What if this is my chance to become something? But... what about my dream to get published? But again… Am I a creative person? Didn't i write a novel after breakup? It was so pure... why didn't I get it published? Can I still write? Should I go through another breakup to be able to write? Why am I having so many thoughts? Is it just because I’m so lonely, sad and is the social distancing taking a toll on me?

Talking about being lonely… what happened to me who loved being alone? When did it become loneliness? Then, I remember opening up about it to someone and being rejected by them… why do people come close, praise the person I am and then leave… will the cycle ever end? Will I ever get someone who will stay with me till the end? Will I ever be able to get love like Noah’s from The Notebook?

Why are so many people dying from COVID? Will it ever end? Will I be able to see the sky again? How lucky I was to be in Africa? That trek in Amani… and the countless stars, will I ever see so many stars again? What about Jaisalmer? Will I make it this winter? But what about COVID?

Will I die too? But I have always been against hospital deaths… I talked to my mom about it but I should protect myself from COVID so it won’t happen... But who'll get my savings? What about my Dogecoins? And my saree? Should i donate my hair now? Should I write down who gets what? Am I thinking too much? Will I ever be able to stop thinking?